What if you think the problem is you are overly cautious . . . and feel guilty if you’re not?
What is the problem is you are overly cautious . . . and feel guilty if you’re not.
You’re so concerned with making sure everyone else is fine that you end up feeling bored, craving more excitement.
The issue isn’t that you’re controlling life too tightly. The issue is you don’t know how to trust any other way to feel secure.
In this episode we are looking at: What Makes You Secure?
- Your struggle with security
- When to be cautious
- What fuels your security
Please do your best to watch/listen to each part in order.
What is your struggle with security?
Your struggle is trusting new environments and situations. This is because you feel guilty for going against what others want you to do.
Even if they never actually said anything, your security is tied up with what you believe others expect.
You feel what they want, or more accurately, what you think they want, and it comes before anything you would choose for yourself.
This makes you think they’re totally selfish - although you also wish you could be that carefree!
You’re compliant, going along with it - until you feel wronged. When that happens, you experience a disproportionate anger.
And then the cycle of guilt starts again. Why? Because that guilt then actually makes you feel secure. Why does the guilt make you feel secure again? Because it’s familiar.
When should you be cautious?
When others promise too much.
People who do this know full well that your security is wrapped up in a cycle of pleasing others and the guilt you feel if you don’t comply.
They promise too much as a way to try and ease your guilt.
Rather than call them out straight away on their over-promise and their unreasonable expectations, you internalise their assurances as hope.
But you’re so used to promises being broken that this is just a way to affirm to yourself you’re right to be cautious and not trust anyone.
So what fuels your security? Consistency
When you experience consistency you start to trust. And the key is to start by being consistent with yourself.
What I found for a long time was that I was expecting others to fuel my security - hoping they would exceed expectations but really waiting to be crushed.
It doesn’t work, because the familiarity of feeling insecure actually becomes. your security.
Three things you can do to achieve a more secure life
- Raise your curiosity. When you’re curious you’re not fearful - curiosity expands your mental limits, and so expands your comfort zone, which creates more security.
- Improve your consistency with yourself. If you’re more consistent with yourself you’ll create a stronger inner relationship.
- Cut your losses. Stop putting your energy where it’s being sucked dry.
It will take a few goes – but you will start to feel you can move into what makes you secure.
Remember it’s not about perfect, it's about PROGRESS.