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This comprehensive article has 3 main sections and a helpful illustration to explain a complex psychological framework:
• Part 1 - Understanding 'Fly People'
• Part 2 - How To Find Yourself
• Part 3 - How Everything 'Fits' Together
We all have them in our life and have known many.
Fly people are attracted to emotional wounds and they like to feast on the flesh of them. Sometimes they’ve always been there, other times they turned up from nowhere right at a vulnerable time in your life.
The time when you lost a job, went through a relationship break-up or when things weren’t so great for you, and they appeared as the ‘special friend’ who had all the answers or was a shoulder to cry on.
There are of course a lot of genuine relationships, great friendships and family members who really do care, but after a while, these fly people give you the strange feeling they don’t seem to like it when things work out.
Fly people seem to enjoy it when you’re miserable. They like to get right in there and pull apart what went wrong, feeding your resentment and when things look as though they’re brightening up for you, they’ll find ways to pull down your dreams.
Fly people want you to eat the doughnut, when you’ve told them you’re trying hard to drop weight. They’re the people who tell you you’ve become obsessive, when you’ve found your groove on a new exercise program and you’re enjoying it. They’re the ones who give you the silent treatment for trying something twice because they’re SURE you’ll make a mistake.
If you’ve not been around flies much, you notice them pretty quickly. However, if fly people have always been part of your life, you think it’s normal: you don’t recognise the little digs that do hurt, the pranks that aren’t really funny but are more in line with humiliation and the times you’ve been called tooooo sensitive.
You wonder if in fact you are too sensitive. You believe everyone else finds the prank funny and don’t seem to have a problem, so - yes, you must be the odd one out. The truth is - you’re not.
You know it’s time for change when your energy disappears; you’re tired of pleasing and searching for approval.
When you’re afraid of your emotional wounds you let them rot and go untreated. When emotional wounds fester, they attract flies because fly people utilise other people’s wounds so no one focusses on theirs. Fly people look for wounds to live in because it distracts them from looking at their own infected areas.
Flower people attract honey bee relationships. Relationships prosper as a result of honey bee connections because the nectar of that relationship is grown and used for the greater good. Flower people don’t just happen, they ‘plant’ and allow themselves to grow.
There is a turning point. It usually happens first within the unconscious. Something occurs in your life to push, even force you in a new direction: the surprise divorce; losing the job you worked so hard at; your health falters, or you reach adulthood and your parents’ emotional control or rejection goes that one step too far.
You reach a point where you feel you’re on your own in life. Relationships with others feel hollow or superficial, as though you’re just going through the motions. You feel uncertain who actually cares and who is in it for themselves. Then the numbness sets in and you figure pleasing others will satisfy your desire for a quiet life.
Pleasing others to get a quiet life just allows bad behaviours to prosper. People start to take advantage; they believe you’re an easy target and they step-up their emotional rudeness. They’ll show it by accepting your hard work but never saying thank you. They take it for granted you’ll look after them, fetch what they want and be overly loyal even when they don’t deserve it. They demand you never question them, that you keep ‘family matters as family matters. You don’t tell anyone.’ They frown if you want to discuss emotions and heaven forbid if you ask about their emotional world.
Pleasing others doesn’t give you a quiet life, it feeds emotional distance. The wound begins to fester and inevitably, invites the fly people.
So how do you solve the cycle and let yourself plant the ‘flower’ of who you are?
Fly people are created by what psychologist Carl Jung called the Persona (Mask).
Jung referred particularly to four Archetypes he related to as symbolising something universal in human experience. He believed the Persona (Mask) hides the real self: it’s the public face of conformity which conceals who people really are. He saw it as being responsible for people’s insincerity, which goes unquestioned by millions every day.
For you however, your breakthrough began to emerge through what Jung called ‘the Self’. The Self is an Archetype that portrays who you really are, the part of you that desires to unite and create the ultimate state of selfhood.
The Self is the unification of your personality with the soul.
The wrestle for Self-hood requires the lowering of the Mask.
Also the harnessing or integration of the Shadow in order to take ownership of or responsibility for the Anima / Animus, instead of projecting it onto members of the opposite sex.
The Shadow is the universal character within. It is the source of both our creative and our destructive energies. Most people fear their shadow. They reject it because they believe they have no control over it. It’s the part of themselves that most people wish to bury and keep secret, quietly self-destructing while hoping no one will notice. This behaviour fuels the Mask and the maintenance of the superficial Persona.
The Anima / Animus is the universal understanding of the mirror image of the opposite sex.
In mythology the Anima is often said to appear to a man as the irresistible siren, the goddess who can mesmerize him and lure him towards his own destruction. In modern life, it’s the man who is afraid of his emotions and gentle side, even love. This manifests through the rejection of kind and loving attention, seeking the affections of those who reject him.
The Animus in mythology is represented as the woman’s hero, the athletic god-like male who understands her completely. If projecting these attributes onto a man in real life, a woman would see him as her rescuer, the one who can fix everything, devoid of the nuance or understanding that a man is only human.
Jung saw the human psyche as three interactive systems consisting of:
1.The Ego
2. The Personal Unconscious
3. The Collective Unconscious
Your relationships are shaped by how these different layers of the Self interact with others.
Jung saw these layers as a storehouse of repressed memories specific to the individual and our ancestral past. When these different layers express or communicate they do so through what he referred to as the Archetypes; a universal communication system we all respond to, buried deep in our collective memory.
Imagine what would happen if you had access to that communication system; if you could harness the power of your unconscious to improve relationships, create great dynamics and resolve issues without ever having to confront anyone...
Wouldn’t that make you feel great and empowered?
The wrestle for Self-hood requires the lowering of the Mask.
The first part of your soul journey is to look at how others impact you and to repair any lasting damage or 'dents' left in the unconscious.
Imagine yourself as a car travelling through life: if you’ve hit a few trees, you’ll have dents. If someone reversed into you, similarly there is damage. What though if you inherited the car and it already had dents? You might not know the history, but the ‘car’ does.
Imagine the car has a consciousness. It remembers when it was bumped into. It remembers the scrapes and the first event that really ‘hurt.’ What will it do? Naturally, it will seek to avoid situations that have the potential to create that hurt. But what if that’s love? or a great relationship? What happens then? Past pain means the ‘car’ spends it’s time trying to avoid all potential situations where it might get damaged.
However, what if the ‘car’ had a nasty crash here and there, BUT it was always repaired? What would happen then? It would count these experiences as part of its education, life lessons. It would be less cautious, it would take more risks, it would allow an aspect of adventure, love and new directions because it would KNOW even if it crashed, it could be repaired.
The Archetypes are the different ‘cars’ you travel in as part of your consciousness.
Note: These exist beyond the four main ones Jung spoke of.
Where do we go next?
De-mist your windscreen so you can see where you’re going.
The Persona (Mask) pretends it knows how to drive the car, while the Shadow paints over the windscreen so you can’t see clearly: you’re driving blind with perhaps just a little bit scrapped off to look out through.
Becoming aware of the active Archetypes in your life is about chipping off that paint so you can drive through life able to see out of your windscreen; it makes it a lot easier to avoid the bumps, to resist crashing and to be able to see clearly.
De-misting your windscreen starts with understanding yourself through the different layers of human development and your experiences in various ‘cars.’
Your first car didn’t even have an engine, you pushed it along using your legs. It felt lonely. What do you do? This stage is answered through the process of Life Beyond Self-Abandonment, which starts with lesson 1 "Is it me? How to Recognise Cold Relationships" and concludes with The Orphan Archetype.
Bored with the first car, you moved on to feeling you knew it all: the ego believed the ONLY car in existence was a peddle car: you could go faster. This stage is answered through the process of Where You Fit In, which starts with lesson 5 "Am I Selfish to want my Own Life?" and concludes with The King Archetype.
Your third car? hmmm . . . you’re starting to look around to see what others have and how you connect with them. You’re discovering love or where it features – is it about rejection or acceptance? This stage is answered through the process of the Basis of Relationships, which starts with lesson 9 "From Panic to Empowering Love" and concludes with The Lover Archetype.
Your fourth car. You’ve looked around, decided what you like, made judgements and now you’re going out on your own. Does what you want match with others or should you just become what you think they want? This stage is answered through the process of Creating Your Own Values, which starts at Episode 16 and concludes with The Queen Archetype.
Your fifth car. It’s boring driving. You have no idea where you’re supposed to be going. Going around in circles used to be fun in your imagination, now it’s just dull. How do you create magic in your life? This stage is answered through the Basis of Purpose, which starts at Episode 20 and concludes with The Magician Archetype.
Your sixth car and you’ve got the hang of things now. You’ve been around the block a few times, you know generally what to expect and what things to look out for. Now it’s about soul purpose, a depth. Is your purpose to teach others to drive? How do you know? This stage is answered through *How You Create Soul Purpose in a Logical World, which starts at Episode 24 and will conclude with The Mystic Archetype.
Your seventh car - you’re surprised you’re not dead yet. Wow, life is for living, best make the most of it. This is your seventh car and you’ve mastered how to drive. You can relax and enjoy it. Now it’s about life mastery and time to share it. This stage is answered through Life Beyond Fear and Regret, which will start at Episode 28 and will conclude with The Mentor Archetype.
Wow on your eighth car, you’re wise, you know how to drive that car through life. You’ve been there, seen it all. Now it’s about peace. You’ve achieved what you’re meant to and it’s time to give back. This stage is answered through Accepting the State of Grace, which will start at Episode 32 and will conclude with The Mini-Sage Archetype.