All my life I had been aware that there was always an inner guidance, and I wanted to tap into it; to discover who I was. There was always intuition at work, even though I wasn’t actually calling it that yet.
You can’t see very well through the windscreen, can’t really see where you are going, but you still keep driving, hoping to arrive and stay somewhere safe.
In 2014 a video from Healing Never Good Enough caught my attention. I stopped and started it, but I kept thinking about it, kept coming back to it, with the feeling “oh, there’s more”.
The foundational side, and the generational – fathers and mothers, giving more of a picture of myself, and how I had become who I was.
At the time I had been through a lot of emotional abuse, and, as is often the way, I believed that what I was being told was true. There was a key point in 2012 when it became scary – people around me were reflecting back to me those negative beliefs I had about myself, although they weren’t true.
I understood that I was attracting this abuse.
I had a personal reading with Heidi – it was an eye- opener – I became aware of the narcissistic relationship with my mother, and of our co-dependence – two different sides of myself. I was finally finding my identity.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and some quantum healing, but this was deeper.
I started meditating in my late twenties, and I rather liked the self-discovery.
All my life people had told me their life stories, and I thought maybe I could use this, so I went into counselling.
I had been working in banking, but I was drawn to learn more about people and their stories. I went part time in banking, and trained for 4 years to be a counsellor - counselling training in integrative therapy: I became interested in the impact from childhood and family dynamics – during which something spoke to me and I felt very strongly, “I’m going to resolve the Family” . I had no idea how or why now, but it was a very strong pull - I was always just drawn – I had no real plan.
As a counsellor I had to have therapy myself, and that’s when I discovered I wanted to work on mental health. I particularly wanted to combine the spiritual side of things with daily life.
Clients have 6 sessions of learning self-help to deal with mild to moderate depression, anxiety and stress issues.
Through this work I have met so many different people from all walks of life, and it has taught me to accept myself and to teach others that we are fine as we are.
I have come to love the Enlightenment Programme – uniting the child within, and monitoring the inner parenting: the guidance I don’t feel I had when growing up – it taught me a great deal.
...and being the spokesperson for a small group. I always thought I wouldn’t ever do that, that I couldn’t do it! I have persuaded myself to step into the role, to use the right brain way, and have seen patterns.
I find the archetypes in the On Demand Workshops are so amazingly creative – it’s almost like playing with your sensitivity and that makes the journey easier, and shows so many different aspects as you work through the content.
Dive in and take it one step at a time – it’s amazing. Tappng into that inner wisdom is a growing process and it is truly rewarding.
It’s a step by step process, a gradual movement to self knowledge, and each step is guided, so you are always strong enough to take the next one. You will get to know yourself and build strength and there is always more to discover about what makes us stronger, and thus makes us free. I know myself much better now.
This year has been key – I have tried new things, and made a new and stronger relationship with myself. I have met challenges I didn’t realise I could step up to – a couple of bereavements of my close friends, for example, and family drama around a relative’s illness, where I realised I didn’t have to be caught up in the drama – I could observe without absorbing.
If I hadn’t found my path I think I’d be “up the creek without a paddle!” - like being on a white water raft and going backwards up stream, rather than with the flow. I have learned to allow the river to take me where it must, and to accept where that might be.
A current example has been in selling my house. I have moved home before, but this time it was so much easier to make the decisions. Last time it took me a couple of years just to put it on the market – this time I realised the survival fears were less powerful, there was less holding me back.
I no longer have that negative language holding me back – I know I am going from strength to strength: I watch how I talk to myself, I understand my own worth.
In short, my work with Heidi has helped to develop expression so I can go out and practise connection with others and not hide behind fear and numbness.
The “What if this isn't the right time?” question came up beforehand and the inner work has helped to turn this round, so I can now ask "What if I just try this out and just be in the moment?" It was an opportunity to review growth patterns.
I can see how I am turning the corner after clearing out influences from paternal and maternal family patterns, to show up and let go of defence mechanisms. I look forward to being propelled to the next step of growth and showing up where I can serve myself and others.
I know I can fall into “being there” for people and not be myself but I look forward to paving the way to look after myself and others safely and authentically.