but since a diagnosis with Crohn’s disease about 10 years ago, I was looking at what causes auto-immune disorders. Science currently has no clear answer, just a hypothesis on possible factors that contribute to about 100 types of auto-immune diseases.
So, I was looking at Pranic Healing for an explanation, but I did not find insights that resonated with me until I started working with Heidi. She made an association of auto-immune disorders and abandonment issues – of being loved only when sick. This gave me some clarity, and I was surprised to find there was much for me to process, which often came through in her short but powerful meditations.
A little transformation happens with each meditation and sometimes when I repeat a meditation.
This happened quite suddenly when I was 23, and was a terrible shock. He had recently suffered a heart attack, necessitating a bypass.
When he had his surgery, I had a premonition that it was the last time I would see him, though I couldn’t verbalise it.
Six months later I was in another city, taking my final exams at university, and one Sunday morning, at 9 am, I started crying. I told my friends, “Someone has passed away” and I was inconsolable. My friends said, “It can’t be so - someone would have told you”, but I could not shake the feeling. I still had another exam to do, so I had to pull myself together and apply myself to finishing my master’s degree.
When my exams were done I travelled back home to my parents. The next morning, at 9 am, my father passed away.
At the time, I did not connect it with my premonition of the week before.
My mother was devastated, so I had to be the adult-in-charge. My elder brother was in the army, and could not get home until 2 days later, and my younger brother had to organise the cremation, which was taxing for him, aged only 17. It still makes me feel heavy in my chest, remembering that dark time.
My father had been planning for my engagement and wedding, and these still went ahead: within a month I got engaged, and I married a year later, moving from India to the US. I see now there was much loss and separation happening very quickly and no real time to process. I did not immediately recognise this as abandonment when working with Heidi, as I associated that with early childhood experience; however, other memories and experiences did come to the fore during discussions and meditations.
I was born just a year and a half after my older brother. Before us, my mother had had a baby girl, who sadly passed away after only 4 days. Now my mother has told me that she was always scared she might lose me too, because I was a girl. Also, when I was an infant, she had a lung infection, so I had to be kept away from her for a few days, a separation which has probably stayed in me. During my childhood I noticed she was always expressing her love and affection towards my brothers – cuddles and hugs – but not to me. I felt left out: I wanted that closeness, so clearly there was some feeling of abandonment there. Fortunately, I shared a strong bond with my father. We did not verbalize it or display it physically; just being in each other’s presence was peaceful, loving and made me feel safe.
Owing to my father’s death and me getting married within a year, I had an irrational fear that my husband would one day abandon me. It probably was a projection of my feelings of insecurity. Subsequently, when I had my own children, I almost certainly had some resident grief in my heart. I worried that if I died, they would miss me as I had missed my father. After their early toddler years, I consciously held back, and decided I should not get too close, to avoid giving them that pain although I so love children. I had to have some counselling to address these issues, for I realised they made no sense.
When I was a child, one of my aunts used a planchette, (an automatic writing board), used to contact souls to ask questions. My father was particularly curious to know where his departed parents were, and the device indicated a spirit bond between his mother and me, which made our relationship remarkably close.
I later had a reading with one of my Intuition Coaching MasterMind (ICM) group, which made me understand that I was probably carrying a level of sadness from my previous life – my heart chakra had this feeling of never being fully happy. Despite courses and healing towards this, I never really understood or shifted it.
I remember once as a teenager crying for my older sister; missing her although I had never met her. On other occasions I longed to have a sister. During a reading with an ICM colleague, it clicked in me that my father’s mother must have felt so sad when her youngest son’s first-born had passed away. As I felt a connection with her sadness, I felt my heart chakra lighten, and the sadness in me dissipate.
At another reading we were talking about finances. I haven’t worked for some years and am now thinking about returning. During the session I had a sudden and new understanding that when my paternal grandfather passed away, my grandmother would have been in her forties, very young to be alone. They were well off, and she had no material concerns, but she must have felt very insecure and vulnerable. Talking about my own “poverty consciousness” with the associated unfounded fears of not having enough to get by, I experienced a physical change in my solar plexus, from bloated to relaxed, and related it to that part of my grandmother’s spirit in me.
When I conceived my youngest daughter, (now 18), I had the sensation of a ball of white light from the sky coming into my head and landing forcefully into my abdomen. I woke from the impact, and looked around. Singapore has a lot of lightning, so I thought maybe it was a storm, but the sky was clear. I brushed it aside, then a few days later I realised I was pregnant,
6 years after my previous child. When she was born I was immediately reminded of my maternal grandmother, with whom I was very close: she gave me the affection that I was missing from my mother, and she always said nice things to me, that stayed with me. She died a year before my youngest daughter was born.
One look at my daughter, and I saw my grandmother in her face.
While she was growing up I was often fatigued and ill, and my daughter would come and be with me, touch my forehead, and sense my sadness: her being there always made me feel better. She used to put her hand on my head, rather than clinging to my legs or skirt; an adult gesture of blessing that reminded me of my grandmother.
She is also intuitive-sensitive –
I sometimes go through the cards with her, and she would “get it” immediately, unlike her father and older siblings who were more questioning.
Her challenge I felt was her low self-esteem over her academic performance. Nothing I said or did made any difference.
So we sat down with the Shadowscapes cards, and sure enough it came out – she is fearful of Brilliance.
At first I was puzzled, but then it clicked.
When my grandmother was young, girls were not highly educated. She studied till the sixth year of school, and then left and was married off. But she wanted to study and would sneak her brothers’ books to read under the blanket. All through her 96 years of life I always saw her with a book - reading and music were integral parts of her life.
So now I realised my daughter has her grandmother’s energy of not being entitled to study, or to be bright, or to express her intelligence. She understood it straight away when I explained this and there has been an immediate change, which is a fantastic result, because her whole future will depend on her studies, and even a couple of low marks will affect her course, and her life.
By using these cards we are able to open up our consciousness, and tap into that 95% we don’t usually access.
Now I have a very peaceful energy - when I laugh the laughter is genuine - and it would not have happened without Heidi’s course. I also get to see other people like me. I had never met anyone like me before!
I understand myself, and am living consciously in the present.
Before there was always a mask – I was fitting into the “right way” of living. Now I can relax and have fun. It’s amazing.
I am not just healing emotionally - my physical symptoms too have almost gone. My doctors have diagnosed mucosal healing over the last year and a half. I used to take 10 tablets a day for 8 years, and now I am not on any medication for more than a year.
So, my body is getting better, and now this course has helped me tremendously with my emotional and spiritual well-being.
If my life expectancy is 80-plus, I have another 30 years to go, and if they are going to be like this - I love it!